Butterfly

So I fail at blogging.

I think of all these great things to say and post about during the day, but when I get home I’m blank.  I spend a lot of my time thinking and have been thinking of buying a recorder.  I could use my phone but it’s Window’s and apps of any nature are crap.  So a small easy to carry recorder that’ll pick me up talking to myself (haha, but true) so I remember the things I’m thinking about later when it’s time to talk to you.

I think fast and it’s not something I can always slow down and write or type.  Typing is faster and it allows me to vomit my words onto a page and easily edit the parts I want to keep.  Writing by hand is slow and cumbersome.  I can’t type anything at work because I’m super busy and would rather work (I love my job) than compose my thoughts in a blog post.  At night it’s hard to unwind and do all the things that need done and sit and type out post.

I mentioned in a recent post that I found pictures so hard to share and compose a post around.  Just time-consuming when I’d rather spend that time doing something else.  So I’ve decided to provide you beautiful words here and pictures with knitting progress on Twitter.  There will still be knitting here and projects to show off, but I’ve decided that I’d rather my blogging experience be more about me than my craft.

I not a social person by nature, but I find the anonymity of the internet a great place to be true to myself.  I tend to recluse.  I don’t really know why.  I’ve always been this way and it never really bothered me.  On the opposite end, I’m an open book and always willing to share the ups and downs of my life.

I have acquaintances, but just always that.  I do get close to acquaintances at times but I never commit to live-long relationships.  Usually these are coworkers or family/friends of my partner.  People that are always there in my life day to day.  I can get close but once I change jobs or partners, I lose touch with them.  I never pursue the continuation of those friendships.

 

I am getting married in a few weeks. He is my perfect match (ilymtmayatloml — inside lover’s talk, he’ll get it).  I guess you could say he is the end of my long search for an eternal friend.  We share similar interests but have noticeably different personalities.  I’m shy and reserved and he’s friendly and bold.  I’m all peace and love and he’s sometimes a grrr.  I’m the healer and he’s the tank, a perfect translation from one of the online games we play together.

We didn’t meet in a game world originally, but we did met online a year before we met in real life and officially started our relationship.  We didn’t live far from one another (an hour or so), but it made it difficult to meet up more than on the weekends once we started dating.  We were able to maintain a long-distance relationship because of gaming, starting with Diablo III’s release. So gaming on weeknights was how we spent time together while on the phone.   Then Mist of Pandaria was released as an expansion in World of Warcraft (WoW).  He hated the concept of WoW because while Blizzard developed it, his favorite game (Diablo) wasn’t getting love or attention.  I had been playing off and on for several years by then and just bided my time to get him addicted.  I didn’t push, he asked.  Now it’s our main game.  I heal, he tanks.  Perfect love right there.

After a year of this long distance nonsense we decided what we really needed was our own place.  So we looked and ended up staying in a motel for a month so we could actually spend time looking in the areas we wanted.  Scored a house and we’ve been renting it every since.  Now we’re to wed on April 19, 2014 and we can finally look at buying a home of our own.  I’m even excited to change my last name because I’ve coveted his for a long time.

Odd story, but I fancied myself as a writer in high school and developed a pseudonym for myself to write under.  My real and maiden name just didn’t have what it took.  So I created “Sara Evans”, which was before the singer was popular.  She stole my perfect name thunder and so I was left with the one I already had.  I changed it once when I married  the first time. I’m still using his last name, I kept it for the benefit of our son.

I’m ready to change it again.  A name change is like a getting a fresh start on life.  It feels like you’ve been cocooned in your previous life, but ready to transform into something better.  A butterfly?  You get the picture.  In reality the name change does nothing.  It’s  just how your feel inside. Changing your name is no small thing, yet it is a common thing for a wife to take her husband’s name.  I like the idea of starting over.  Plus, I’m getting the last name I imagined as my pseudonym years ago.  Mrs. Evans just sounds fine to me!

We’d originally planned to wed on October 4, 2014

(10-4 good buddy) <—- did you get it?  kinda cool which is why we liked it after we figured out our date could be said that way.

I hated the idea of a big wedding, but if we were going to have one his entire clan would have to be there to witness it.  This is not a small clan.  I went from expecting 10-15 guests to almost 100!  I did my dutiful duties and searched for all the stuff so I could do it myself.  I don’t have the funds to really say, “here take my money and make the day gorgeous”.

Turns out, we finally talked about it a few weeks ago and I discovered he didn’t want the wedding either!  I was elated.  Our new plans included a sooner wedding, his late grandmother’s birthday on April 19, 2014.  Just a quick wedding at the courthouse.  What just hit us a few days ago is that our date was a Saturday.  Can’t get married in the closed courthouse on Saturday.  We’ll you could, but that’d involve some B&E.

Part of the new date was telling everyone that we’d just mailed save-the-dates to that our wedding was cancelled.  So we sent a letter that explained the situation, announced our new wedding date, and advised that there was no wedding to attend.  I don’t feel guilty over it either. Especially since I’m not a party person and I was honestly pulling one together for everyone but myself to enjoy.  I’d rather spend a night at home with him watching tv than playing in fancy clothes and dancing.    We’ll probably do dinner someplace for all the local and immediate family to attend but that is it.

So that’s my big news for now.  I promise to write more in the future.  I need to make time in my life for blogging.  I didn’t even tell you about how we started weight watchers and how all the healthy food has kept me busy!  Also, it has been a month since I picked up my needles.  I’m feeling guilty about that but can’t find the motivation to do it.  More on that later.

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